Finally, a happy story for once. Outbursts of irrepressible joy erupted throughout the exclusive island community of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, last night. For hundreds of years, Martha's Vineyard has suffered from the soul crushing effects of its own Whiteness. Island residents understood there was only one cure. They badly needed diversity. In fact, they often said so, but despite their very best efforts over many years, diversity never came to Martha's Vineyard. It was tragic.
Imagine an 18th century British frigate adrift on the high seas with no lines, sailors slowly going mad, convulsing, dying, excruciating deaths from scurvy. That was Martha's Vineyard, except it wasn't lime juice they lacked. They had plenty of that because you can't make a gin and tonic without it. What Martha's Vineyard lacked was diversity, which is to say strength. Martha's Vineyard was a very weak place. As of yesterday morning, that island was 89% White, monochromatic and utterly homogenous. Nearly everybody there was a rich Democrat. 80% voted for Joe Biden. The median home price was over $1,000,000. And then in a single blessed moment, everything changed. Relief arrived for an unlikely source.
Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida, having made his own state a paradise, decided to help other states desperately in need. So yesterday, the center sent 50 illegal aliens, most of them from Venezuela, to the Martha's Vineyard Airport. They traveled from San Antonio to the Florida Panhandle and filing to their new home on Martha's Vineyard. CBS Boston reports that after landing, the group wandered about three and a half miles from the airport into town, thereby instantly improving it. You can imagine the unrestrained jubilation on Martha's Vineyard tonight, long-suffering islanders finally rescued from their own oppressive Whiteness. In fact, let's go there now to check in on the celebrations.
Well, that's not expected. Obviously, there has been a mistake. No, our producers are telling us there are no technical problems. That is, in fact, a live shot from Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, right now, but where were the weeping, joyful crowds? Where was the champagne and the ticker tape? We expected Times Square and V-J Day. What we got was a cemetery at midnight. What? But maybe it's not so confusing. Maybe things aren't as they seem. Our first clue is Barack Obama. Barack Obama is a part-time resident of Martha's Vineyard. Obama is also, of course, as you know, the country's greatest proponent of diversity. For years, Obama earnestly told us that immigrants were better than Americans. They were holy. They make our country strong. |
