I will cut the deficit in half in my first term (translation, I'm going to double it)
If my economic stimulus is passed, unemployment will never exceed 7% (translation, if the labor participation rate remained stable instead of reaching alltime lows, unemployment was never below 9%)
I will improve rational relations (bawawawawaawawawawawawaawawaw), by calling white people racists
I will restore international respect, by lying to international leaders and becoming an international laughing stock
Iraq is my greatest accomplishment, although the fact that my actions brought unprecedented insecurity to the region is Bush's fault
I will reach across party lines and work with the Republicans, by calling telling my constituents to punish their enemies, telling the GOP I have a pen and a phone, and by using back door procedures to totally fuck up the healthcare system
If you like your insurance, you can keep it, even though I know that's not possible, I'm going to keep saying it
I'm going to reduce healthcare costs by $ 2,500 a family, which means their costs are going to skyrocket
I'm not going to scare people with water boarding, it's much more humane to kill them and everyone around them with drones
I'm going to blame the barbaric murder of a US Ambassador on a Youtube video, even though I know for a fact that too is a lie, then I'm going to fly to LV in the morning
I'm call to say Isis is contained on the very day they slaughter hundreds of people in France
I'm going to release 5 hardcore enemies of the state in exchange for 1 US traitor, who's going to be court martialed for treason
I'm going to pretend I can stop climate change, even though it's been changing for 2 billion years
I'm going to blame all things evil on guns, and not on the reasons why people commit violent acts
I'm going to spend more time trying to bring the Olympics to Chicago than I am on trying to win the war in Afghanistan, because I'm the least prepared man in the room
If my economic stimulus is passed, unemployment will never exceed 7% (translation, if the labor participation rate remained stable instead of reaching alltime lows, unemployment was never below 9%)
I will improve rational relations (bawawawawaawawawawawawaawawaw), by calling white people racists
I will restore international respect, by lying to international leaders and becoming an international laughing stock
Iraq is my greatest accomplishment, although the fact that my actions brought unprecedented insecurity to the region is Bush's fault
I will reach across party lines and work with the Republicans, by calling telling my constituents to punish their enemies, telling the GOP I have a pen and a phone, and by using back door procedures to totally fuck up the healthcare system
If you like your insurance, you can keep it, even though I know that's not possible, I'm going to keep saying it
I'm going to reduce healthcare costs by $ 2,500 a family, which means their costs are going to skyrocket
I'm not going to scare people with water boarding, it's much more humane to kill them and everyone around them with drones
I'm going to blame the barbaric murder of a US Ambassador on a Youtube video, even though I know for a fact that too is a lie, then I'm going to fly to LV in the morning
I'm call to say Isis is contained on the very day they slaughter hundreds of people in France
I'm going to release 5 hardcore enemies of the state in exchange for 1 US traitor, who's going to be court martialed for treason
I'm going to pretend I can stop climate change, even though it's been changing for 2 billion years
I'm going to blame all things evil on guns, and not on the reasons why people commit violent acts
I'm going to spend more time trying to bring the Olympics to Chicago than I am on trying to win the war in Afghanistan, because I'm the least prepared man in the room