The H.I.P. Horoscope

[Phaedrus]

Capricorn (22 Dec.-19 Jan)

You will hit it, and it will be good.

 

[Phaedrus]

Aquarius (20 Jan-18 Feb.)

A team of paramedics won't have the heart to try to revive you after finding your booze and sex-drenched body floating face-down in a country club pool.

 

[Phaedrus]

Pisces (19 Feb-20 Mar)

You will meet a girl who throws the whole "It's not how hard you hit it, but how well" theory right out the frickin window. Start shopping for spackle and a new headboard now.

 

[Phaedrus]

Aries (21 Mar-19 Apr)

It is imperative that you remember that her first name is not "Baby." It's "Janet" -- "Miss Jackson" if you're nasty.

 

[Phaedrus]

Taurus (20 Apr-20 May)

When choosing between love or money, remember that a lover will hold out on you for spiteful, silly reasons -- but you can always buy a piece of ass no matter what important dates you forget.

 

[Phaedrus]

Gemini (21 May-21 June)

You will reach a crux where you must choose between two equally important values -- adhering to your strict "no fat chicks" policy, or your equally strict "on the road when no one will find out, anything goes" policy.

 

[Phaedrus]

Cancer (22 Jun-22 Jul)
Years after the scandal has died down, your biographers will be hard-pressed to explain just what Senator Clinton was doing to you with that rutabaga that fateful night you were busted in the Congressional Coffee Room.

 

[Phaedrus]

Leo (23 Jul-22 Aug)

Heartbreak is in the stars when you marry a woman with an unholy appetite for sausage, pepperoni, and salami, thinking that it's a thinly-veiled fellatio obsession, only to find out that she thinks that's something "only sinners do."

 

[Phaedrus]

Virgo (23 Aug-22 Sept)

You've had your picture in the paper before, but nothing could have prepared your wife for seeing you in Creative Loafing's "Stars of the Atlanta Orgy Scene" feature.

 

[Phaedrus]

Libra (23 Sept-23 Oct)

All of your ex-lovers say that you are the most amazing thing they've ever had in the sack. Unfortunately they mean this the same way people are always nicknaming the fat guy "Tiny."

 

[Phaedrus]

Scorpio (24 Oct-21 Nov)

You will meet a dominatrix who will change the way you feel about pool balls wrapped in Saran Wrap (tm) and dipped in baby oil.

We will miss you.

 

[Phaedrus]

Saggitarius (22 Nov-21 Dec)

You've spent years running from commitment like a scared little boy. It's time to grow up -- have the bitch whacked and find yourself a new one.

 

[8isenough]

I like it Phaedrus...Good Stuff..I am a Gemeni..NO FAT CHICKS must....control...urge...