THE TIDE HAS TURNED IN DETROIT!!!
DETROIT 44, DENVER 7
MICHAEL ROSENBERG: Matt Millen for presidentope:ope:
November 4, 2007
By MICHAEL ROSENBERG
FREE PRESS SPORTS
COLUMNIST
These are heady times here at Matt Millen for President headquarters. The NFL regular season is half over and the Lions have won three-quarters of their games.
Some people would say that half a season doesn’t mean much. Those people are entitled to their opinions. We’re not going to judge them or their desire to raise your taxes and pillage your communities.
Here at
Millen in ’08, we just figure that since Millen has done … uh, is doing such a wonderful job as President of the Lions, why not hand him the whole country?
The Lions just beat the Denver Broncos, 44-7. According to NFL rules, they are now entitled to annex the state of Colorado. Two states down, 48 left.
Then there is Hawaii, home of the Pro Bowl. Shaun Rogers, Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones, Mike Furrey’s rear end — they’re all going. Plus Dominic Raiola lives there. So that’s three states.
As for the rest … come on, why not? The Lions are not just 6-2. They whipped Chicago and Denver in convincing fashion. Even if they go 3-5 in the second half — which is impossible, with such firm leadership at the helm — they will finish 9-7 and likely make the playoffs.
As Roy Williams said, “you have to name us with the elite teams in the NFC.”
We understand you might be skeptical. That’s OK. Here at
Millen in ’08, we believe in a free press, as well as the Free Press, and also a free press buffet. So we are happy to answer any and all questions about our campaign.
QUESTION: Didn’t you predict the Lions would go 5-11 this season?
A: Next question.
Q: In Millen’s first six seasons, the Lions put together a 24-72 record, which shouldn’t even happen if your helmets are on backwards. Do you really want him running the country after a 6-2 start?
A: We’re not here to talk about the past.
Q: The Lions have a 35-year-old journeyman quarterback, a patchwork veteran offensive line, and possibly the worst cornerbacks in the whole NFL. Do you really think Millen has built a winner for the long haul?
A: We’re not here to talk about the future, either.
Q: Then why are we here?
A: Ahhhh. Finally. An existential question.
We are here to talk about a man who withstood six years of hailstones without complaint and is now at the helm of a 6-2 team. He has gone through all the Five Books of Moses (Genesis, Ugly Numbers, The Dudes Are On To Me, Livin’ to Cuss and Refusal to Exodus) and has emerged unscathed.
Yeah, sure, Millen had a few missteps. But that just makes him a man of the people, right? I mean, when was the last time YOU won a Super Bowl?
Millen hired the right guy, Rod Marinelli, to coach the Lions. OK, so first he hired Marty Mornhinweg and then Steve Mariucci. It’s not easy to find the right guy when your bought your Official NFL Coaches Rolodex on eBay and it only has “M” names in it.
The point is that Marinelli is turning things around. Some Lion veterans said this last year, even when the team was losing two or three games per weekend. Now everybody can see it.
“Coach (used) a great example: people on the back of the boat, not quite with the guys yet, are moving to the front and believing,” defensive end Dewayne White said. “That’s what’s going on right now.”
(Did I just hear “We Shall Overcome” in the background?)
Q: If Marinelli is the leader of the team, where does Millen fit in?
A: At
Millen in ’08, we humbly describe our man’s management style as “genius.” Like Paris Hilton, it rubs off on everybody. Even the players are learning from Millen.
“I am on my fantasy team,” said Williams, who caught just three passes for 44 yards and no touchdowns. “I think I’m gonna bench myself.”
Q: If we throw our support behind Millen, and the Lions start stinking again, we can still chant “Fire Millen,” can’t we?
A: What kind of question is that? Our man won’t fail.
“This is what he’s been working for the last seven years,” left tackle Jeff Backus said. “Fans aren’t chanting ‘Fire Millen’ anymore. Everything is positive, everything is moving forward.”
On with the campaign!