Cleveland, OH - LeBron James, the 18-year-old basketball superstar and number one pick in the 2003 NBA draft, surprised the sportsworld Tuesday when he promised the Nike Corporation he would refrain raping anyone for the duration of his lucrative endorsement contract.
“This is a great day for Nike, the NBA, and the fans,” Nike Chairman Phil Knight said. “LeBron is a major talent, and it can’t be easy to make such a promise. But he did, and White America can rest easy. We are convinced that LeBron will pose absolutely no threat to young woman for at least seven years. After that, it's out of our hands.”
Women everywhere hailed James for his bold stance. “The years between 18 and 25 are the most potent in a young man’s sexual life,” National Organization of Women (NOW) member Sarah McNay said. “The fact that LeBron James, at the outset of his fame and fortune, would voluntarily put a rape sanction on himself for those years shows a great deal of class, and puts him in a league all his own.”
“I think he’s fantastic,” basketball fan Ellen Moore said. “I'm tired of being raped by basketball players just because they know I'm desperate for good seats. I'm happy to hear LeBron is going to hold himself to a higher ideal for as long as he’s selling lots of shoes. That’s something special.”
In response to the crush of media attention following his announcement, James released the following statement.
“I want to thank everyone for their support and well-wishes. Thanks to my God-given talent for basketball, I have been blessed with a chance to play in the NBA, and work with the great people at Nike. In gratitude for their generosity, I stand behind my earlier decision not to force myself upon any women as long as I am employed by these two great organizations, or at least until I bring a long-deserved world championship to the great city of Cleveland.”
Added James, "drunk girls don't count though. I want that written in the contract."
“This is a great day for Nike, the NBA, and the fans,” Nike Chairman Phil Knight said. “LeBron is a major talent, and it can’t be easy to make such a promise. But he did, and White America can rest easy. We are convinced that LeBron will pose absolutely no threat to young woman for at least seven years. After that, it's out of our hands.”
Women everywhere hailed James for his bold stance. “The years between 18 and 25 are the most potent in a young man’s sexual life,” National Organization of Women (NOW) member Sarah McNay said. “The fact that LeBron James, at the outset of his fame and fortune, would voluntarily put a rape sanction on himself for those years shows a great deal of class, and puts him in a league all his own.”
“I think he’s fantastic,” basketball fan Ellen Moore said. “I'm tired of being raped by basketball players just because they know I'm desperate for good seats. I'm happy to hear LeBron is going to hold himself to a higher ideal for as long as he’s selling lots of shoes. That’s something special.”
In response to the crush of media attention following his announcement, James released the following statement.
“I want to thank everyone for their support and well-wishes. Thanks to my God-given talent for basketball, I have been blessed with a chance to play in the NBA, and work with the great people at Nike. In gratitude for their generosity, I stand behind my earlier decision not to force myself upon any women as long as I am employed by these two great organizations, or at least until I bring a long-deserved world championship to the great city of Cleveland.”
Added James, "drunk girls don't count though. I want that written in the contract."
