I would go with something like this
"In all my time that I have known Dan and Allison, I always knew they would get married. I mean, really come on guys, who else would have them. I mean sure, her for a good 1 night stand, but with her constant nagging, bitchiness and that snout she calls a nose and for my best pal Dan, the fat guy that always tagged along like Chris Farley. Let me tell you fine folks about the first time he got his dick wet, we were all sharing needles from some homeless man doing black tar heroin, relax guys we got it for a good price. Ole Dan here was so fucked up and fried out of his ghord here comes this big girl walking down the street, well she was on extacy and had some dried up cum oln her face, they looked in eath other's eyes and that is when you knew Dan and Allison would tie the knot sharing their love of intravenous drug use until they both get arrested for child neglect. So cheers fellas, here is for a wild and crazy next 10 months. Finally, there are any divorce attorneys in the room, I figured if we got in on the early bird special, you could give it to them on the cheap. Speaking of on the cheap, I have $10 to the blonde in the 5th row, meet me in the coat closet. In the meantime here is a video of Dan's love for Allison"
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