If u need a good laugh...

[bucsfan67]

The Golfing Nun.....






A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down
into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration..

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I
thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with
my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You
know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my
life to Christ."


"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So,
I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took
the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior,
astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... And this hole is a
monster, Mother - 540 yard, Par 5, with a nasty
dogleg left and a hidden green…And I hit the drive
of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
wanted. And it hits this bird in mid-flight!"

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But
surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still
trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out
of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized
The Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this
was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the
squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile..

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there
on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled
to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the f---in' putt, didn’t you?

 

[bucsfan67]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started doing it's thing and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos which equals MIDNIGHT!). The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[bucsfan67]

OXYMORONS.......




1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

 

[bucsfan67]

this was supposedly a true letter posted on Craigslist to a lawyer....doesnt even really matter if its true or not to me, its hilarious.......guy finally got even....






To the lawyer representing my wife

<hr> Date: 2010-02-24, 11:33PM EST
<form id="reply" method="get" target="_blank"><button value="Reply To This Post">Reply To This Post</button> </form>
<hr>
February 24, 2010

Dear Ms. Jones,

I have received your letter informing me of my mother-in-law’s wishes. Oops, I mean my wife’s wishes. I do not know what kind of investigation you have conducted and information you received or from who, but it is all likely a bunch of lies generated from my mother-in-law, AKA The Bitch. It would not be inconvenient to go court for me. I only live a few miles from the courthouse and will likely be unemployed from all the stress this is causing me. Also, I am not concerned about the expense of the case. My wife is paying for my lawyer with the credit card she forgot to remove me from as an authorized user. Could you thank her for that since she does not want to talk to me? While we are on the subject of that credit card, thank her for the new Glock 23 .40 handgun with the tricked out laser sights she bought me for my birthday. It was Sunday in case you were wondering. I would not be embarrassed one bit to tell all of our business in court. Matter of fact, I think it would be really entertaining. To prove how open I am, I want to share a secret with you. When I got your letter I checked out your firms website. You are smoking hot! I could not help myself. I watched your video and masturbated. It was awesome! Maybe when all this is over we can get together for the real thing. I was really getting tired of stroking it to the nude photos my wife and I took when we were first married.

Well let us get to the list of items my wife wants from the house.

Her Cat. She can have him. He is really starting to smell. I think he is sick though. He has not moved in a couple of days. My wife has not been here to feed him. I think he might be hungry. My cat has been trying to play with him but he does not respond. Stupid cat.

Kitchen. There really is not much left. You see I do not do dishes, that was my wife’s duty. I have been just throwing the plates and glasses and such away.

Master Bathroom. She can have the items under her vanity except the lotion. I need this for masturbating while thinking about you. Does she really want the toothbrush holder? I bet The Bitch put her up to that one. The green towels The Bitch gave her are not totally green anymore. You see, I don’t know how to wash clothes and put bleach in the washer while trying to get the -------- off of them when I was done masturbating while thinking about you.

Half Bath. She wants everything? Well that does make since I guess. Her cat likes to shit in the sink in there. Tell you what, she can have the cat shit sink and I’ll keep the toilet. Are you thinking about having sex with me?

Living Room. She can have that bullshit she is requesting. I changed the wedding pictures for the nude photos mentioned earlier.

Dining Room. She can have everything provided she buys me a new table. I don’t eat on the floor. I do fuck on the floor, you in?

Master Bedroom. She gets to keep everything in the dining room, I keep the master bedroom items. That’s where the magic happens! What jewelry are you referring to? It must have been stolen the night she left. She didn’t lock the door or turn the alarm on. I do have a cockring. Want to see it?

Office. She wants the $5 world globe. WTF? I was going to sell it to get a footlong sub from Subway. What’s your favorite kind?

Attic. She can have the Christmas tree and decorations. I am an Atheist. I don’t like that ghost story bullshit anyway.

Hopefully this will help in your efforts to screw me over. Let me know if you want to fuck. Thanks.

 

[bucsfan67]

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[Scoops]

This gynecologist gets a surprise from a patient.

A gynecologist is getting ready for his first appointment of the day, who happens to be a very attractive woman. As she enters, he thinks to himself,

"I'm going to fuck her."

So, he calls her in and gets her set up on the table and begins to grope her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.

"Yes, you're checking for breast cancer. Not a problem." she says.

Then he starts to finger her.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Sure, you're checking for cervical cancer. No big deal." she replies.

He then takes out his dick and starts fucking her.

"Now do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.

"Yea, you're getting ghonneria."

 

[BAGIANT]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes up to the pharmacist and says, "I'd like to buy some arsenic."

"What do you need arsenic for?

"I want to kill my husband."

"Lady, if I sell you arsenic and you kill your husband, you'll go to jail for life, and I'll go to jail for selling it to you."

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of the pharmacists wife in bed with her husband.

The pharmacist looks at the photo, then looks at the woman and says, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION!"

 

[Redagger029]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".

 

[Redagger029]

For years, commentators have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were
so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before they would ever win the Super Bowl.

On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.

On that same Sunday, Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow
and the Federal Government was shut down.

Well, now we know where hell is.

 

[bucsfan67]

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[Scoops]

LOL,Isn't this supposed to be in your"sexy music"thread?:lol:

 

[bucsfan67]

ya, that was real sexy....haha

 

[Redagger029]

Q. How do You turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry it.

 

[bucsfan67]

A senior citizens group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'


The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested.

The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.


The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.


'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it got up and ran away!'

 

[bucsfan67]

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an opticalAleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion

 

[JOH]

KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are things people really said in court, word for word...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you really pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[FearTheRaven]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell."

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey,tequila,Guinness,wine coolers,diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack,roulette,poker,slots,whatever. If you go bankrupt, well you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy says, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

 

[bucsfan67]

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was
Embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

 

[bucsfan67]

<style type="text/css"> BODY,.aolmailheader {font-size:10pt; color:black; font-family:Arial;} a.aolmailheader:link {color:blue; text-decoration:underline; font-weight:normal;} a.aolmailheader:visited {color:magenta; text-decoration:underline; font-weight:normal;} a.aolmailheader:active {color:blue; text-decoration:underline; font-weight:normal;} a.aolmailheader:hover {color:blue; text-decoration:underline; font-weight:normal;} </style>

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had

​

sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at
the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a
credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift
today!







Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens'
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My oommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, herradio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces.

It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.


Thank you for that opportunity.



Sincerely,
Agnes

 

[bucsfan67]

Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.