listen, if you follow these 8 simple rules bellow you will be fine, just dont worry at all!
1. Wear shorts. Preferably board-style shorts with many many pockets. That way you can carry all your important things, like extra cash and jewelry. Don’t worry about how you look. It’s your vacation, be comfortable. Plus, the girls look for guys in shorts – they know you are an important gringo and have mucho dinero. Wear comfortable shirts, preferably big shirts with lots of flowers in bright colors. It's like spanish fly to the locals.
2. Speaking of cash, don’t bother with using the local currency – its funny looking and has germs. Just use $100 bills. Everyone accepts them, and everyone has plenty of change, especially taxi drivers. The girls will gladly give you change after your fiesta.
3. Support the local economy. You’ll see local vendors selling their wares in the streets. At the very least, buy a local hat. Wear it proudly. In Panama, the obvious choice is a Panama Hat. In Mexico, buy and wear a sombrero. Get the biggest, most colorful one you can. It shows respect.
4. Take a really good camera everywhere you go. Take a lot of pictures, especially upskirts when the girls aren’t looking. They like that – it makes them feel special. Wear the camera around your neck on a thin strap – it’s a status symbol in any Latin American country. Video cameras are especially cool – use the bright lights in all the bars and clubs. No one minds.
5. Wear a lot of jewelry. It makes you look important, powerful and rich – no one will dare mess with a powerful important guy like you. You project confidence everywhere you go. Wear necklaces, gold watches, gold rings, you name it. The more the better. Carry extra in those pockets in your shorts – you never know when you’ll need it.
6. Don’t waste time and money on taxis for trips under a mile. You’ll have much more fun walking because you’ll meet many, many very interesting people, and will probably make a lot of new friends. Plus, you can get really good deals on Rolexes and other fancy things. You’ll be glad you wore the shorts with all the pockets because there are too many good deals to pass up!
7. Talk really loud. People in Latin America respect power and confidence. You should project your personality at all times. Try to use Spanish all the time. Use genial, friendly sayings like ‘Date prisa que la lentitud perra’ and ‘Cómo se puede ser estúpido? No lo hacemos como la de América’ or even 'no es importa. chupa mi huevos, tengo rolex.' – it garners a lot of respect with the locals. It shows you care and are trying to blend in to their culture.
8. Speaking of Spanish, when you want to start a friendly chat with the hottie chica across the bar, here’s a simple tip: grab a napkin off the bar, and write down “Ai Mi Dios! Mi pene es en fuego!”. Have a waiter deliver it to her with a drink of her choice. Roughly translated, it means ‘Oh my god! You make me feel strong!’. In context, it works out better.
