Dramatic news from Reuters

peskypup · Nov 9, 2004

In dramatic breaking news, our on the spot reporter Gameface has just filed the following report with the Reuters news service:

The latest count is over 500,000 insurgents killed in Falluja. One US Marine has been wounded - he cut his cheek whilst shaving this morning. Apart from that no casualties, our carpet bombs & tank shells were programmed not to fall on any women and children.

The White House phone lines have been blocked. Statesmen from the world over have been calling George Bush in praise of his great wisdom and expertise in international affairs.

It is rumoured that Coffee Annan is preparing to take cyanide, full of remorse at his predictions that the coalition would make a complete mess of Iraq which has so clearly not happened.

The Iraqi elections have been brought forward to the day after Ramadan in recognition of how peaceful the country is now. Applications are flooding in to Washington from all over the Middle East to form democracies based on the US model.

Near Baghdad, our Army has uncovered a nuclear site containing 4 PWRs, a repro facility, plutonium machining facility and nuclear warhead assembly plant, plus 3 cooling ponds. In all the plant occupies 4,000 acres and most of the buildings are over 50m high and 100m long.

Cunningly, the devilish Iraqis had placed this site near an oil installation which they had permitted to belch out heavy black smoke for the past 9 years. In this way the nuclear site had remained concealed from our satellites.

More from ace reporter Gameface tomorrow.

eek. · Nov 9, 2004

You should get a job with Newsmax.

Rednecks really dig wet dream stuff like that.

lander · Nov 9, 2004

Holy crap who would have thunk it -- Drudge is an avid RX reader!

peskypup · Nov 10, 2004

more from the front

Top reporter Gameface has been assigned to a platoon of US marines in Fallujah. He filed this report earlier today:

Latest estimates are over 600,000 insurgents dead in this city. As we made our way street by street towards the centre, the bodies of insurgents could be seen all around, two deep in some parts.

Cunningly most of the insurgents had disguised themselves as unarmed women and children in a desperate bid to escape the clutches of the victorious US army. The insurgents had recruited a troop of 3 foot pygmies who were thus able to disguise themselves as 6 year olds but this did not fool our platoon.

We were able to eliminate a key terrorist training school which had been disguised as the local primary school, and we killed about 30 pygmy insurgents disguised as schoolchildren.

We also found large stockpiles of milk and sweets nearby, clearly part of the chemical weapons programme we have fought this war to destroy. We will be handing the milk and sweets over to the United Nations and seeking an investigation into how they escaped their weapons inspectors.

With regret I must report that US casualties have risen to 2 - the guy who cut himself shaving yesterday, plus one of our platoon was injured in the knee by a diehard insurgent who charged him wielding a pair of school compasses. Luckily it was a pygmy who could not reach higher than the Marine's knee.

peskypup · Nov 11, 2004

latest report

700,000 insurgents dead now. but it's been a grim day for my platoon.

Just as we were pressing forward to the city centre, some snipers opened up on us from some streets we cleared yesterday.

Charlie got a bullet in the neck, Hank got two in the head before we all found cover. We could barely see where the bastards were shooting us from, turns out all the carpet bombing did was create excellent ambush cover.

Christ Almighty, I never realised it was possible for Americans to die out here, this wasn't the way Dubya told it.

Fvck!! What was that! heck the jeep is on fire, gotta move outtah here. I hate the stench of death, its all around us now.

JinnRikki · Nov 11, 2004

Keep us posted, we aren't getting much from "mainstream" media.

peskypup · Nov 12, 2004

it's crap

here we are right in the middle of town and we seem to have achieved very little. Snipers appear in places we thought were clear and take pot shots at us.

The trouble is they know the streets & sewers well, we don't. Plus we made good cover for them by dropping so much ordinance.

The guys have been shaken up. Most times when a sniper fires we respond with heavy fire. The trouble is that when we do that we're more likely to kill innocents than snipers, the insurgents take over their homes at gunpoint.

This afternoon we were ordered up to mousehole into a house where snipers had been reported - that is blow a hole in the wall because the door might be boobied. Trouble is we didn't tell the Iraqis who lived there we were going to mousehole, blew 4 of em clean dead and 2 mortally wounded. no snipers to be seen.

The guy who got the head shot yesterday bought it. Just as well, there was just a big space where his nose & left eye once were. His screams were terrible until we got some morphine for him. Other guy was okay, sent him out to Germany.

The worst thing is all the damn flies everywhere. They have swarmed round all the corpses, and they swarm round us at mealtimes.

This town is a real mess, not many buildings are left intact. Lots of orphans, they look at us either with hate in their eyes or just with empty eyes.

It's a helluva lot easier to fight wars safe in my armchair back home than this awful scene. Easier to fight them from the White House too. Difficult to see any light at the end of this tunnel.

bblight · Nov 12, 2004

pp - If you're going to do this right you'll have to name the insurgents - you know, like the VC for Viet Cong.

Maybe you could call them ASS for Arabic Suicide Synod, or maybe they could be called BUMS for Big Ugly MuslimS

Anyway, whatever you decide to call tham, make sure that it's something easy for the stupid Americans to understand and remember.

Marco · Nov 12, 2004

One other thing also.....I believe you listed about 6 of our troops dying, which is eight more dead than any radical conservative will agree died there....