Does anyone else feel Men get fvcked up the ass when it comes to child custody?

[Journeyman]

We end up having to pay more than our fair share in child support, we get limited rights to see our children, and when we do see them its all crammed into a shorter time than the mother...

I have it made in comparison to most men with children, I see my daughter 3 days a week and 4 in the summer...

I could not imagine getting the shaft by a judge in a custody case and having less than 50% like many men do....I honestly could not imagine being told I can only see my daughter every other weekend (like some have it)

And some of the amounts these poor guys pay in child support while the wives are out eating lobster and not working just makes me sick!

 

[Massmilwaukee]

JM,

Its either all men get the shaft and take care of their responsibilities or no men get the shaft and don't take care of their responsibilities.

 

[Journeyman]

However its unfortunate that good father`s must pay for the the bad father`s faults/lack of responsibilty....The law is too generalized, but I guess it has to be that way, all I know is many men get the shaft and good....I personally could not imagine being told by some court appointed mediator what I can do and when I can do it with my own child...the reality is however as a divorced parent I only have so many rights to see my own child....and that blows...

Nothing is more important than raising your child the right way....nothing

 

[DarrylParsons]

My view of fairness in child custody is sure to be unpopular, as are my views on other topics, but...

I think the default rule (when the parents can't come to an agreement) should be that girls live with the mother and boys live with the father, assuming both parents are equally ept and motivated in their parenting duties. Naturally the other parent would have visiting rights in each case.

Hey, that's the way they did it in the Brady Bunch! That's gotta be worth something, no!?

If we want to talk about equal rights we should have a system in which the father has a roughly equal chance of getting custody as the mother. Having a child spend half his time with one parent and half with the other is not good because he needs a place to call home IMO. Letting a committee decide on a case by case basis is not good either because it leaves a very important decision in the hands of a few people who cannot possibly have sufficient information and even so the decision would often be a close one.

In any case I can't think of any other way to get a fair outcome (close to 50-50) and not leave too much room for subjectivity and disputes. Anyone have a better idea!?

 

[Journeyman]

so I can imagine, when things between two fighting parents end up in court, someone is going to get the raw end, and 95% of the time Dad loses...even good Dads

On the other hand (and I have thought about this, even in all my selfishness) the MOTHER actually carries the child in her body for nine months...its just a no win situation and I really don`t see any fair way to split a human being in half...

You make a great point Darryl, a child needs to call one place home I guess...as hard as that is for me to swallow.

I have a daughter so I am not fitting your mold Darryl lol...But I can say this without question, I have done all humanly possible as a seperated father....one thing I do take very serious is being a great parent

 

[DarrylParsons]

JMan,

I also have a daughter from a divorce (10 years old) but luckily we were able to reach an agreement on the financial and custody issues. I basically see her as much as I want but the way it works out it's about once a week on average. This is enough to keep up with the goings-on in her life, give her the Mork from Ork perspective (that's probably how she sees it), and share some fun time together. Any more often than that I feel would be like the law of diminishing returns. Her mother is home base and I'm the special event and this is the best under the circumstances IMO. Besides, I've got my new wife and a 2 month-old daughter to take care of so more than once a week would be hard to manage on my end also.

 

[barman]

Hey JMAN, it's MUCH better than you suggest.

In most jurisdictions, the mother in a divorce with children gets primary custodial rights at just under 90% of the time.

That's TWICE as NOT BAD as you state above...smile

I'm a divorced father of three kids (now 21,18, 16). I've never been limited by my exwife and in fact based on most stories I hear, my relationship with the ex is very above average.

I think the theme of this post does lead those interested in the topic to put more political effort into changing the flaws in the current policies.

But maybe even more important is the lessons that can be gleaned and shared with young people considering marriage and children. We have personal opinion (yeah, one of those again) that too many people marry too damn fast and get pregnant before having more confidence the relationship will last long enough to successfully include raising children to adulthood.

 

[UncleMoneybags]

If the relationship is over in your eyes, start planning. When my ex started her downward spiral I quietly created a diary of her misdeeds and at the same time improved my standing in the community and in general to strengthen a possible court fight. Right now I live in the Midwest and my attorney told me that even with the irresponsibility and selfishness displayed by my old lady combined with the strong fundamentals of my case (infidelity, drug and alcohol use during pregnancy, various character witnesses that would support me or bash her and her recent bouts with the district attorney) I would only have about a 25% chance of getting sole custody and 60% chance of joint custody. That's BS. I get the right judge who'll see that I'm the one with a stable job, that I don't run afoul of the law and that I have somewhat of a moral code by which I live then I'm OK. I get the wrong judge and now I'm financing my ex's sexual escapades. Most likely it would have been 50/50 and I would be clear financially but the kid would live with that whore half the time and be corrupted. It's sad when you have to hope that she gets sick of caring for the kid and dumps her on you.

 

[DarrylParsons]

Uncle M,

That's a pretty depressing story -- proven infidelity and drug use and still only 25%!? If that's not rampant feminism then I don't know what is. Guys, let's not put up with this shlt anymore...

Let me share what I think is a major reason why feminism has become as powerful a force of evil as it has...

We all know women and men are very different in a lot of ways. The two sexes are still overall equal in value (I am against feminism, not women

) but in just about every area of life there are huge differences.

One of these is that when a woman has even a small problem with something it's yap yap yap yap etc. Men are not like that. Men are natural problem solvers so if there is problem they go into think mode and try to sort it out themselves. There is a natural tendency for each sex to automatically assume that the other is just like they are ie. when a woman goes yap yap yap a man thinks "Oh my God, she must have a major problem because I would only go yap yap yap if I had a major problem". Conversely, when a man goes into think mode a woman thinks "He can't have even a minor problem because if he did he would go yap yap yap"

What this all means is that men help solve women's minor problems all the time and women don't give a rats ass about men's problems. As that goes on for decades you get escalation in the form of a major feminism problem like we have today.

So IMO a good start would be if we ignored their yapping more and started yapping ourselves at the moment we feel the slightest bit of discomfort. Another option is to actually go after the girls we see on those websites. Many of them are attainable because they are from Eastern Europe and do like American men a lot. It just requires a bit of effort but if probably worth it when compared with the alternative

 

[xpanda]

Lol ... Darryl, you should read Men are from Mars ... women do articulate with no need for problem resolution; men articulate only when they need problem resolution. It's a difference between us but should neither form the basis for discrimination (women are not inherent problem solvers?? I beg to differ) nor does it have any bearing on child custody laws.

Men and women are very different ... the principle problem with how society has developed/accepted/embraced feminist ideology is that it has required women to be more like men, instead of re-valuing women's roles and characteristics. But, anyway ....

 

[DarrylParsons]

XP,

I agree that American society has put a lot of pressure on women to be more like men and this is indeed unfortunate. In a way the men who used to ridicule women in the early to mid 20th century got what they deserved. They should have had more confidence in themselves and treated women with more respect for their womanly qualities, rather than challenge them to become equals in men's qualities. I have no problem with admitting that men are largely to blame for the feminism problem of today.

I have read the Mars/Venus book and while I agree with most of it, I disagree that women are not looking for problem resolution when they yap. They will accept just listening and understanding but I have yet to see a woman turn down an offer to have the problem resolved, especially if it involves spending $$$

I also stand by my statement that women are not inherent problem solvers. I believe that with the training they've been getting in the 20th century and the current education system, they can keep pace with men in the problem solving department, but it comes less naturally to them and requires more effort and concentration. You can see the wood burning and discomfort when they have to think about something deep and complex while men tend look vibrant and excited in a similar situation. Every woman mathematician I have seen seems like she is trying hard to satisfy her daddy's expectations so she can be loved and accepted while the men act as though the solution is the prey and they are hunting for food.

 

[ROXY]

I think the judges prefer the kid to stay with the mother because they have to choose what's best for the child I don't think moving from one house to another is the best thing.

 

[xpanda]

I'm trying hard not to be insulted by that last paragraph, so will keep it to this: there are a gazillion scenarios which require problem solving skills and these are not limited to mathematics. Also, across the US, girls are outscoring boys in science and mathematics, so that assertion is moot, anyway. Theories abound about right and left brain thinking and generally conclude that boys are suited to sciences while women are suited to languages. Could be true, I don't know. In my own experience, however, I see no correlation between problem-solving abilities and gender, only some individuals who are good at it and others who are not.

Again, though, discrediting women because they are not 'good problem solvers like men' is that same comparative stance that has made feminism set out to prove that women are just as good as men at 'man things' instead of giving equal value and consideration to 'woman things.'

 

[UncleMoneybags]

Darryl,

Fortunately, I didn't have to test my attorney's guesstimation as my ex ran off to another state. What she didn't know was that one of her friends that she pissed off thought that I would make the better parent so she gave me quite a bit of info on her.

On the advice of counsel, I put money into a separate account every 2 weeks for almost 4 years without fail just in case she came back I could prove that I was planning to care for the child. It's been five and she's still gone so we'll see. I'd give her that 17K right now if she signed over all her rights. I don't see that happening, though.

 

[DarrylParsons]

XP,

I do not think that being less naturally ept at problem solving amounts to discrediting. I will even say that it is only the complex problems which require deep thinking and focus that the women are worse at. They are better than men at multi-tasking and solving several simple parallel problems. They are also better at languages IMO precisely because that amounts to a large number of simple problems while math and science involve fewer, more complex problems.

If you interpreted what I said as derogatory I can only say that those impressions must have come from other experiences of yours and not from me. North American values of the 20th century may have a lot to do with it but I should tell you I do not share very many of those. I am coming from a completely different place and angle.

 

[DarrylParsons]

Uncle M,

Yours sounds like quite a complicated case. Does she know she can get 17K if she signed over? Mike Myers made a good point when he said marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

 

[fivedoorsdown]

barman seems to have the right situation in hand.
i also had the same way.
in my case we both agree we couldnt get along so why stay together and fight it.
so we agreed on the child support which werent bad,would have cost me alot more to have the 2 kids living with me. loss of work , daycare and sitters and what not.
she was very good about when and where to have the kids. she made no fuss's when i wanted the kids for week ,two etc.
most cases of child support that i see is two people that hate each other and use the kids to get back at one another. also more times than not the fathers dont feel responsible for these kids and which in turns anger the female and which then in turn theres only one way to vent her revenge and thats through the courts.
so if you know these kids are yours and you do love them , then take care of them. bet my bankroll on it the ex will be alot better about it and you'll be seeing more of your check and a lot less court time
just my thoughts.
maybe me and barman are 2 of the lucky few

"dont take life so serious, you wont be getting out of here alive"

 

[Mr NJ Sports]

Blame it all on Oprah

 

[barman]

Anyone who doesn't view women as 'good problem solvers' hasn't watched my exwife or myriad other mothers pull a full day of working with 3+ kids under school age.

My 'solution' was beat some ass and yell a lot (though I'm sure I would be different today than I was at the time 14 years ago)...My long suffering ex-SheBar always had a more practical approach that involved neither yelling or anger...and time after time, the problems were resolved.

 

[Journeyman]

I wasn't so much complaining from personal experience...I have it good compared to most...I still feel screwed though...I tell ya , I don't think I will ever heal from the experience...its like a wound that never heals...never