Any jokes out there?

[sometech]

Unfaithful Wife

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....

 

[wilheim]

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a Buffalo New York park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiller.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and scares the dog off, saving his friend.

A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bills Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Bills fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Buffalo, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. "Sabres Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Sabres fan either,"the boy says."
Oh, I assumed everyone in Buffalo was either for the Bills or the Sabres. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Patriots fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Bastard From Boston Abuses Beloved Family Pet".

wil.

 

[DarrylParsons]

A Pollack goes to pick up the pizza that he ordered and the clerk asks "How many slices would you like me to cut it into, 4 or 8?", to which the Pollack replies:

"Better make it 4. I don't think I can eat 8"

 

[Alejocruz+]

There are two muffins cooking in a oven, one of them turns and says to the other:
-It's getting pretty in here, don you think?
The other one turns in amaze and says:
-Holly shit, a talking muffin.

 

[wilheim]

wil.

 

[DarrylParsons]

Moral of the story: never date a girl who can afford an airplane ad

 

[RPM]

an american pilot is captured by al queda. after several weeks of torture he still wont talk, the al queda leader decides that since he is so strong, he has earned the right for a chance to go free.

he tells the american, if you can pass our 3 tests, you can have your freedom.

the first test is go into the first tent and drink 3 barrels of wine. if you can drink it all and walk out, you pass.

the second test is to go into the second tent and pull an absess tooth from a lions mouth and relieve his pain.

the third test is to go into the third tent and satisfy a beautiful woman for at least an hour.


so the american goes into the first tent, and several hours later he stumbles drunk as shit out. they check the barrels and he has done it, all the wine is gone.

so they help him into the second tent with the lion. immeadiatly there is dirt flying, the american screaming, the lion roaring, the tent is falling down, and just all around horrible sounds coming from the tent. finally after what seemed an eternity, the american comes stumbling out of the second tent and says...

NOW WHERE IS THE WOMAN WITH THE ABSESS TOOTH?