A Little Humor to break things up.....

[Betallsports]

While she was " flying " down the road yesterday (10 miles over the speed limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun onthe other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, " What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
" Well," she said, I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge------------------------"
Speeding Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face.-----------------------PRICELESS:missingte

 

[Danielvip98]

Lol!!!!!!!!

 

[506lines]

........
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.................

:missingte:missingte

 

[RICK1979]

:lolBIG: Good one bro!!!

 

[devocr]

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive it down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring chasing him. He decides he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man speed up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still keeping up.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, This is crazy, I could go to jail for this, so he pulls over. The patrolman came over to the car and told the man, it has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I might let you off.

So the man told the officer, Last week my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.

Cop to the man, have a nice day.

 

[Betallsports]

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive it down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring chasing him. He decides he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man speed up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still keeping up.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, This is crazy, I could go to jail for this, so he pulls over. The patrolman came over to the car and told the man, it has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I might let you off.
uppy: I think I tried this !!

So the man told the officer, Last week my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.

Cop to the man, have a nice day.

:missingte LOL !

 

[Betallsports]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked.":missingte

 

[RICK1979]

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive it down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring chasing him. He decides he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man speed up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still keeping up.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, This is crazy, I could go to jail for this, so he pulls over. The patrolman came over to the car and told the man, it has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I might let you off.

So the man told the officer, Last week my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.

Cop to the man, have a nice day.

NOT FUNNY AT ALL......
:monsters-

 

[RICK1979]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked.":missingte

SORRY BRO BUT TO PREDICTABLE....... DIDN'T LIKE EITHER.

 

[Betallsports]

SORRY BRO BUT TO PREDICTABLE....... DIDN'T LIKE EITHER.

Sorry....1 out of 2 an't bad....:thumbsup:

Will try better next time !

 

[506lines]

more than words...

Take a look a this pic... more than words... :lol:

 

[devocr]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

I said, well, I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw
me!
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
Yeah, I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
Anyway, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself ", she giggled....
So I told her to fuck off.

 

[GasMan]

Now thats good.

 

[o-dawg]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:$1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH :$2.50 HANDJOB:$10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to
a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives
the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a
cheeseburger."

 

[VIEJODINOSAUR]

Now that is funny....

 

[Jabow]

Funny Stuff

 

[Betallsports]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. :missingte

 

[Betallsports]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place." :missingte

 

[Nick$$$]

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.

The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.

He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"

"Huey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for?"

The bartender said "That's just great", and asks the second duck, "What's your name?"

"Duey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for!"

The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"

The third duck bashfully replies, "No,... I'm Puddles."

 

[Nick$$$]

Why there are so few good engineers...

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings.

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up as he goes to meet his maker.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up.

They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"