Q. Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
A. Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
----------------------
A large and a small alligator are talking about food. The small one complains about being hungry all the time and never gaining any weight. The large one asks "What do you eat?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
-----------------------
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Boudreaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
---------------------------------
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that sending a body back to the United States for burial was very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul added that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"
-----------------------------------
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing,Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist."
---------------------------------------
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A: Because Janet Reno is her real father.
---------------------------------------
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels the phone was still ringing when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!
----------------------------
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "**** OFF!", the dog ate him!"
---------------------------------------
Secrets of a good relationship.....
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4 . And it is important that these three women never meet
---------------------------------
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in NC to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
-----------------------------------
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes!?!?!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like shit! Then I would say ..."It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A. Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
----------------------
A large and a small alligator are talking about food. The small one complains about being hungry all the time and never gaining any weight. The large one asks "What do you eat?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
-----------------------
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Boudreaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
---------------------------------
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that sending a body back to the United States for burial was very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul added that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"
-----------------------------------
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing,Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist."
---------------------------------------
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A: Because Janet Reno is her real father.
---------------------------------------
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels the phone was still ringing when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!
----------------------------
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "**** OFF!", the dog ate him!"
---------------------------------------
Secrets of a good relationship.....
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4 . And it is important that these three women never meet
---------------------------------
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in NC to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
-----------------------------------
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes!?!?!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like shit! Then I would say ..."It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
